Saturday, October 10, 2009

A Tough Decision









Only in my worst nightmare could I ever imagine having to do what I did. But it seems that my once tranquil life has turned into a horrible dream. Two weeks ago I packed up myself and my kids and I left my husband of 10 years. Later that day he called to ask where we were, as I knew he would. I told him we were at my parent's house, and that we would not be coming home.

Why did I do this? Let me tell you the story in brief. A year ago my husband was diagnosed as bipolar. His first episode was so alarming it landed him in a psychiatric hospital for a week. His experience there was so terrifying that he was completely turned off to psychiatry, and all forms of medication. The days and weeks after the horrific experience passed and he seemed to be returning to his normal self. We all attributed the episode to stress. Then, 3 months ago, he had another terrifying episode. He refused to accept any psychiatric help. He was paranoid and delusional, and turned against all the people who love him the most--including me.

For 3 months I have tried to live with him. For 3 months I have been holding my breath, praying that he will snap out of it and go back to being the person that I have known, loved and trusted for 10 years. But the gentle, kind man that I married seems to be gone. Now I have a husband who is cold, controlling, and emotionally abusive.

Yes, the past 3 months of intense strife in the home has taken it's toll on me. My health was in serious jeopardy. The future of my children was in jeopardy. This is not the kind of life I ever imagined for us. I did not ever dream I would have to make the decision to separate. I don't know if this will ever motivate him to seek help. So far, it has not. I don't know if I will ever get back my husband, my best friend. But I still have Hope.


For it is not an enemy who taunts me--
then I could bear it;
it is not an adversary who deals insolently with me--
then I could hide from him.
But it is you, a man, my equal,
my companion, my familiar friend.
We used to take sweet council together;
within God's house we walked in the throng.
Psalm 55:12-14 ESV

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