Brick Wall

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I am up against a brick wall.

Last night was so frustrating. He came over and things ended in an argument. I don't know why I even try to entertain his comments. I keep thinking that somehow, eventually something that I say will get through the brick wall of his mind. Maybe there will be a tiny crack that I can penetrate.

From what I've read about this illness and learned about from talking with others, his "wall" won't likely be penetrated without medications, and psychiatric treatment. Which he refuses. Because, in his words, he is not sick at all.

I am up against a brick wall.

Before and After

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I am starting to view my life in terms of BMI and AMI. That is to say, Before Mental Illness, and After Mental Illness. In my life B.M.I, I used to be a blogger. I had this cute little blog full of family and fun. OK I did not have a huge following, but I had my regulars and I made some really nice blogging friends. I had fun with it, I had fun with life.

Well, I am about to enter year 2, A.M.I. The other blog has been neglected for months. But then this blog was born 3 days ago, quite unexpectedly. I felt a need to add something to the blogging community. Although it might not be funny, cute, or entertaining, it is real and it is helping me to cope with the situation, express myself, and reach out all at the same time.

I am feeling very isolated and alone in this situation. Dealing with my husband's mental illness, separation from him, from home, from my support system of friends is overwhelming. But I know that I am not alone, there are others out there who have been in overwhelming, dark situations, and have come out on the other side. I have not lost Hope.

And now, O Lord, for what do I wait?
My hope is in you.
Psalm 39:7

Learning to have compassion....

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One of the hardest things to accept about my husband's illness is his lack of insight into it. I'm sure that if his kidneys malfunctioned he would accept treatment. If he had heart disease, I'm convinced he would seek medical help. The brain, also being an organ, can, and does malfunction. However, he is convinced that he is perfectly fine and that the problem is everyone else. His thought process is so affected that he is unable to see the drastic change in his behavior and personality that is so obvious to all his friends and family. Because of his paranoia and delusional thinking toward others, it is impossible to reason with him.

Another difficult aspect of this illness for me is learning to have compassion for him. He has hurt me so deeply by his words and actions. Yes, I know that when he is emotionally abusive toward me it is the illness speaking, because that behavior would be completely out of character for the person that I have been married to for 10 years. Despite the fact that I know his illness is causing him to treat me like his worst enemy, it hurts me and has nearly destroyed me, to the point that I had to escape to save my own mental health.

I pray for him daily. I ask the Lord to give him strength to endure the torment he is going through. I ask for wisdom in how to speak to him when we do speak. I ask for compassion for him, even when he tears me apart with his words and actions.

I am fighting an uphill battle. My family is shattered and I have my own wounds to deal with. But I want to understand him, I want to treat him fairly and with compassion.

Ok, so I just started this blog yesterday, and I don't have any readers yet. But if you happen to stumble upon this, please, I would love to hear your comments. Do you have a loved one who is mentally ill? Or are you dealing with mental illness? Please, share your insights.

A Tough Decision

Only in my worst nightmare could I ever imagine having to do what I did. But it seems that my once tranquil life has turned into a horrible dream. Two weeks ago I packed up myself and my kids and I left my husband of 10 years. Later that day he called to ask where we were, as I knew he would. I told him we were at my parent's house, and that we would not be coming home.

Why did I do this? Let me tell you the story in brief. A year ago my husband was diagnosed as bipolar. His first episode was so alarming it landed him in a psychiatric hospital for a week. His experience there was so terrifying that he was completely turned off to psychiatry, and all forms of medication. The days and weeks after the horrific experience passed and he seemed to be returning to his normal self. We all attributed the episode to stress. Then, 3 months ago, he had another terrifying episode. He refused to accept any psychiatric help. He was paranoid and delusional, and turned against all the people who love him the most--including me.

For 3 months I have tried to live with him. For 3 months I have been holding my breath, praying that he will snap out of it and go back to being the person that I have known, loved and trusted for 10 years. But the gentle, kind man that I married seems to be gone. Now I have a husband who is cold, controlling, and emotionally abusive.

Yes, the past 3 months of intense strife in the home has taken it's toll on me. My health was in serious jeopardy. The future of my children was in jeopardy. This is not the kind of life I ever imagined for us. I did not ever dream I would have to make the decision to separate. I don't know if this will ever motivate him to seek help. So far, it has not. I don't know if I will ever get back my husband, my best friend. But I still have Hope.

For it is not an enemy who taunts me--
then I could bear it;
it is not an adversary who deals insolently with me--
then I could hide from him.
But it is you, a man, my equal,
my companion, my familiar friend.
We used to take sweet council together;
within God's house we walked in the throng.
Psalm 55:12-14 ESV